TESTIMONIALS

“Now I Know - I Deserve More”

I was the girl that always said no one would ever treat me wrong. I told my friends that the day a boy raised his voice to me, I'd be gone. I grew up in a home where domestic violence was a member of our family. I saw what my Mother went through with my father - being berated, called names and beaten up regularly. Sometimes she had to sleep on the floor, like an animal. I vowed to never be like her-NEVER! I worked hard in school so that I could go to college and make a life for myself so I'd never have to depend on a man for my well-being. I knew my main goal was to be independent because my Mom never had been. If she had, maybe she could've left my Dad.

I was still pretty clueless about domestic violence back then. I dated throughout high school - casually, nothing serious until my senior year. I had graduated early and was enjoying some time off school when I met him. We met at a house party and he kissed me right away, that night, even though he was also talking to one of my girlfriends. We exchanged phone numbers and started talking shortly after. On our "first date" we slept together, with my consent. He was full of compliments and seemed so sweet and grown up. He was a few years older than me, had his own apartment and was a drug dealer (which seemed very cool at the time). The beginning of our relationship was all roses and romance, as it usually is. He bought me things and always took me out to eat and to the movies. We continued to be sexually active too. Basically, we spent all our time doing everything but getting to know each other, which is how a strong foundation for a relationship is formed.

Four months into the relationship he cheated on me. I broke it off and was so angry and hurt... but he apologized, tears in his eyes, flowers and presents in his hands, and he begged for me to take him back. Soon after this he moved in with my family and I. I began college and we started fighting more and more. He wanted sex all the time, but I was tired and busy with school. Sometimes, I'd sleep with him even if I didn't want to because he'd make me feel so bad about not giving it to him; calling me names and degrading me about the weight I'd gained since starting school. We decided we'd fight less if we had our own place, so we got an apartment together. Things were good for a while - another honeymoon phase. Shortly after moving, he started school and stopped doing things around our home. He told me that since I didn't work I should be cooking,cleaning,etc. We'd fight about this ALL THE TIME and he'd always call me horrible names.Then he'd try to have sex with me and I'd lay there lifeless (hmm-wonder why, after all the foreplay of being berated). We stopped sleeping together when he refused to use condoms, for our safety. In the last 2 years of our relationship, we slept together once a year, on Valentine's Day, when I was intoxicated enough to do it. He fought with me all the time, morning, noon and night. He'd keep me up late before early classes, start fights with me while I was writing papers and sometimes wake me up to fight-usually for no apparent reason, but to mess with my head.

The verbal, emotional and mental abuse finally became physical one night, during a fight that he'd started, when he threw a piece of wood at me and it hit me in the elbow. I had to go to the hospital that night and called my Mom. I was so embarrased and ashamed. The woman at the hospital kept telling me that I should leave him, but I wasn't ready to do that, still. That summer he left town for an internship that I'd helped him get(he started school shortly after I did) and I moved in with a friend. Before he left we broke up, but got together again. After an argument one night, he called my best friend to talk to her and she told me not to call him again. I didn't ask what he'd said but it finally clicked that this wasn't healthy. I hated myself when I was with him, and that was a bad feeling. I called him to tell him I'd never call again and he laughed at me. He left for the summer and upon his return, he called me to ask where we were gonna live. We talked a few times, only for me to tell him I was done. I needed to take care of me and to not have contact with him.

A few months later I walked into a restaurant to find him there with that best friend of mine who'd told me stop talking to him. They'd been having an affair for over a year and he'd been sleeping with a lot of other people too. Good thing I got tested regularly. Who knows what he could've given me? I've learned A LOT since then - about myself, men and healthy relationships all around. I'm thankful all the time that we didn't stay together. We were talking marriage and I can't imagine a life like the one I had or bringing children into that. How sad it would've been for them and me. Gratefully, I made it out safe from that relationship. A little battered and bruised, yes. But I know now what I deserve and it's a whole lot more than that!